Imagine not following your own example. Imagine telling others how to eat, how to speak, how to live and not experiencing that life for yourself.
I thought I understood health and wellness. I thought I understood enough to write about it. The diets, the exercises, the lifestyle — I had it all wrong.
Sure, I know some things: some not so obvious suggestions on better living, but I don’t think that’s enough. I need to walk the walk.
In retrospect, I suppose I fit the lifestyle when I follow the rules. I thought that by eating well and exercising I would feel better mentally. When that failed, I tried meditation. This worked for a while. It worked exceptionally well after a difficult breakup. One that’ll be revisited in a future post.
I can’t think of something that would have given me the results meditation gave me, at that point in time. Before meditation, my head spun thick webs of nothing, my mind a clouded mess, flooded and overfilled, like a clogged toilet.
Though, if I remember correctly, despite the depression, I continued to pray. I made it a priority (maybe subconsciously) to give thanks for what I had and for what was to come. I had to remain hopeful. If not, I would have gone mad. And for some time I did.
Thankfully, over time the madness washes away. Then something happens and pulls the tide back in, and the water rages further up to shore. Soon, your feet are covered, then your knees, then your shoulders.
A friend told me I didn’t have to drown, if only I could remember to keep my balance, to float, to swim.Tweet
I remember stepping outside and watching how effortlessly a tree can dance, and how green its leaves looked. I noticed how, in some parts, the sky burst into bright blue splotches, dark purples, and soft pinks in other places. Then I thought about how we live surrounded in this big bold blue bubble, and how I don’t mind it all.
For the first time in months, I felt okay.
Then, as time went on, these moments faded away. It began when moved from a place where I had lived for so long. Soon after, the depression returned.
Two long years have passed, coated in dark cloudy memories. Lately, I’ve had no desire to exercise, diet, or meditate.
I don’t know if it’s the lack of sleep or the thought of losing time and never being able to get it back. This is why I don’t sleep at night, although I am working on this. (No more late-night coffee sessions.) It’s a deadly cycle; everything circles.
Anyway, happy Tuesday.